January 1999, I was 10 years old and i had just recently been told that i was being shipped off to boarding school in the summer. I didn’t really want to go away from my family but i was also desperate to get out from where i was living at the time. I was sitting on the floor of my lounge room when i heard what had happened to you. At that point i had only met you once (a few months back) yet i was terrified of entering a grade that i knew would still be hurting so deeply from the cruelty of the circumstances surrounding your departure.
January 1999, was the first time i can really remember feeling an invisible target burning itself into my back. I grew up knowing that my parents along with many other amazing people i know pushed the boundaries of the accepted norm in the country where we lived. They were NOT afraid to sacrifice their own lives for what they believed to be right. My fears were confirmed that this cost included us, their families, their children. At 10 I did not accept my parents decisions and i certainly did not appreciate the value of what they stood for.
Over the next 4 years my family experienced tasters of a government flexing its muscles through ridiculous bureaucracy and extraditions of amazing individuals. Though I’ve never voiced it before i could always feel the weight of hidden concerns. The masked fears of all the parents who had realised that the strength of their faith would be tested through the safety of their children.
August 2002, there was a shooting at a school similar to mine. Once again a reminder of the target on my back. Along with the regular fire drills children would have to learn terrorist lockdown drills. It seemed unfair that we had to train to defend ourselves from the consequences of choices that we never made.
June 2006, my class finally graduated. High school can be a hard enough experience without having to spend the 7 years trying to heal from a loss so great. A trauma so unimaginable. An event that could have happened to any one of us. I don’t know if we every fully made peace with the gaping hole within us but we found a way to live with it. To carrying your memory on with us into life.
August 2006, i had turned 18 a month before and i arrived at country I've been to so many times yet it seemed worlds away from my childhood. My life would slowly separate from my parents choices. Decisions were now mine to make. It was my turn to figure out what values I would choose to stood by. The type of person i want to be in the world.
January 2019, It has been 20 years since the day i first felt that target melt into my back. For years this served as a constant reminder of the hurt inflicted and the sheer cruelty capable by humans. However I'm also finally begins to understand that from the depths of this hurt also comes my deepest inspiration to stand up to the evil darkness. To try and spread love and light where ever i can. To Stand by the marginalised and oppressed where ever they may be. To use my privileges for the good of those less fortunate. To empower.
This is not always an easy choice and i fail at it often. But I’m inspired everyday by the amazing people I know that stand by their faith, their values, despite the hefty cost of their decisions. Im immensely grateful for the amazing people in my life that stand by me while i learn to draw strength from the very same thing that once used to induce the most paralysing fear within me.
My invisible target, my personal symbol of hope
