A sad road to Hope...

The story that i hold dearest to my heart is one that is extremely complex but it slowly unravelled over the last 8 years. Please bare with me as I find the words to tell it to you…

It started in 2008 when a group of uni students started to make a film about change and met a man who was already living this dream with 16 young "orphans" and "Semi-orphans" in a bungalow in Cebu. He had a dream to make a lasting change in the life's of these boys that could in return impact their communities...he once even said something about raising the boys in the Filipino culture so as to strengthening the country from within. BUT somewhere along the way this dream became too hard to keep up. In 2012 he admitted that there were holes in the system he created to care for the boys. despite external attempts of help to fix things, the many compromises he had made, had already started to sink the ship. I use this analogy because what happened over the last two years can be likened to what one would expect in a pirate story, not real life.

Alas, When the captain died, all hell seemed to broke loose as crew (all from impoverished backgrounds themselves) battled amongst themselves for the helm... each stepping over a fellow mate to get to the place of perceived power and prestige. A chance to keep their own lifestyles and comforts that they have become accustomed afloat.

Only down fall... they have yet again forgotten their duty to their young wards. They have used lies and illusions on these children and turned them into stewards for their own purposes, without a care of the future of these young boys. Stewards in their selfish war.  (The part that saddened me the most was that they all claimed to be followers of Christ, on a christian mission, that i wouldn’t understand as a non-christian, but trust me their actions didn’t match any of the teachings or actions of the Jesus -who's example i happen to highly value.)

I don't have a Pirates entry...I was part of a committee with members representing both the churches and the secular supporters of Phil rep, with members all being long standing supporters of David's work them selves. We became aware of the situation and had tried extremely hard to negotiate change and put a stop to corruption for a whole year. 

Finally in January 2016 i went there indefenitly in response to pleas for help from the boys. (The boys had grown to trust me and my group of friends as the only focus for our visits since 2009 have been for the boys). Their equivalent of the Department of Human Services (DHS) were involved and the boys were ordered to be removed from the care of Cornerstone on the 1st of april 2016. Being a social worker myself the hope was that I could reason with the DHS and work out how to fix the missing pieces. I can tell you the 3 months i lived there were extremely disheartening, witnessing the conflict and the depth of the corruption for my self. And attempts to convince the DHS to change their mind on Cornerstone failed- with good reason too. I did however convince the DHS to work with me to create an alternative transition home for the boys we have had in our care for many years who now in their teens would not be able to be placed in other institutions and will end up on the streets. 

Thus evolved the solution, the transitional home by the name of Balay Pagpakusog. This home is the best solution for our older boys. Boys that have been extremely traumatised by the events that unfolded following David's passing away. Boys that have been forgotten and over looked so many times over the years. Boys that have family but have been estranged so long they are practically strangers to them. Boys that don't yet have the developmental, emotional, practical, educational skills or qualifications to be able to survive on their own as adults. Boys that would loose their chance at ever having a future if we stopped caring about them and allowed the DHS to have custody of them. 

Balay Pagpakusog provides the boys with all the supports they need, allows them to truly feel part of a family while equipping the with skills they will need to one day need to establish families of their own. Though its not a permanent orphanage set up, Balay Pagpakusog is setup as a home in a rented 3 bedroom apartment. The boys are taught about the costs associated with having a home- so utilities, rent, groceries, internet etc. All our boys are finally attending some form of education or training. Balay Pagpakusog is also based in Calbayog as its the city or region that most of our boys originally fare from. We hope that by being closer we can re-establish and nurture a positive relationship with their existing communities/families, that will sustain them once Balay Pagpakusog is no longer needed.    

I was part of a team of 2 that negotiated and organised this transition from Cebu to Calbayog. Please believe me when i tell you that this was one of the most traumatic, exhausting, heart breaking transition i've every been part of. Leaving a place that once had so much hope, joy and love was now just an empty shell filled with anger, jealousy, deceit, hatred, cruelty and hunger for wealth and power. I have never seen the boys more dejected that in those first 3 months in Cebu... but all it took was 8 hours on a boat and these boys were already beaming with smiles at the thought of a future and all it held in store. Settling was not easy as you can imagine but i can honestly say that by the time i left another 3 months later those boys were truly grateful that they had not been forgotten. They had settled into their new life and were trying their best to make the most of opportunities provided to them (with of course the occasional slip ups one would expect from teenagers). 

The boys have since been progressing well and being supported by a team of local staff. 

The reason I'm writing this story down is because i want to show you that these last 2 years (especially 2016) has not been easy on any account. It has been a time of heart break and disappointment; of lies and deciet deciept; of finding out that things haven't been as honest as you were made to believe they were; of grief& loss for a place that once was; of saying good bye to many of the younger boys (who returned to families as they should ever have been accepted in the first place)...over all a time to throw in the towel and feel hard done by, to want to withdraw support for fear of being hurt again.   

But in amongst this heartache and uncertainty, its easy to forget that there is a group of kids that still need us to support them. A group of kids that have been worse done by than any of us; children whom we supported, adored, went back to visit over and over... they are still there (they just call a new place home). They are still trying to heal and create a future. If it wasn't for these boys and there still being a chance to help them, to fix the wrong done to them by those they trusted to care for them, i can guarantee you the committee and myself would have thrown in the towel and walked away a long time ago. It has been a long sad journey… but believe me when I tell you it leads to hope.

If i truly didn't believe this was the right think to do I would not have quit my stable job and stayed in the Philippines for 6months caring for the boys and setting up the new home. I cant do it all by my self, at 28 years of age I really cant financially support all these boys myself even if I wanted to... They  really need those of you that have cared for them to not give up disheartened… we are part of their extended community and they still need that. These boys have already lost so many of their community/family in Cebu, so many people they cared about simply turn their back to them like they never mattered… they still need your friendship and support to successfully transition to adulthood. They need your help to hold onto that chance for Hope. 

 

Lived and learned...

180, is the number of days I spent living in the Philippines...  I have learned that 180 days is long enough to fall out of love with a country. Long enough to witnessed the toxic effects of greed in the lives of otherwise good people. I've watched people's hearts grow dark as they tear each other down for their own benefit. I have watch hatred poison people's character and clarity of judgement. I have watched how quickly people will use the children they are supposed to be caring for to do their dirty deeds. How easily they deceive to be able to line their own pockets further...And the saddest part is that the whole time they use their religion and related titles as a mask to proclaim a guise of innocence. In 180 days you can be forced to learn to live in doubt, to question every interaction and every relationship...to have to distrust more easily than you trust. To have to put measures in to protect you from the many faced liars that are hosting you.  Its also all the time it takes for you to learn that it's possible to keep fighting a battle with a broken heart, to have to fight through the betrayal and deceit..to find the strength to stand up for those that need you to be their voice of reason against a barrage of lies. 180 days is all it takes to be able to differentiate the battles worth fighting from the hollow noise.  You will soon come to realise that 90 days is all it takes to once again observe the power and resilience in people that truly want change. For people that are cut down to rise up again and move on. To be shown that there are still reasons to love the people of a nation you recently fell out of love with. To be reminded not to judge a whole nation or a religion by the actions of a few individuals. To be reminded that the children that seem stuck and are emitting hatred are only serving as gramophones to relay someone else's hatred...and with time they would realise their true potentials and begin to see the possibilities that life now holds for them. As cheesy as it sounds 90 days is truly all it takes to restore your faith in humanity. To be reminded that LOVE heals the scars inflicted by anger and bitterness. To learn of the sheer strength behind your true friendships. To truly appreciate the people that have stuck up for you and have despite the distance between you still walked by you throughout the whole 180 day.  The last 180 days were some of the hardest I have lived through so far...certainly not what I expected out of life for my 28th year. In no way have I begun to process the experience in full...but I know for certain that I'm grateful for all it has taught me and how it continues to grow the person I am. And if yo are one of the people who's walked with me through this (you know who you are), THANK YOU for everything you have done and have contend to do for me...  

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall...

Have you ever truly observed gyms and the people using these facilities? These massive rooms filled with equipment to shape the body that you live in, with no shortage of mirrors within which you can admire your progress. Most people in these places seem to spend more time in front of the mirror than they do actually exercising. 

Similarly I've come to notice that the people of this country (ok slight exaggeration here, but still more than any other country I have seen to date) have an unhealthy obsessions with mirrors. I have seen so many spend more hours admiring them selves in front of this reflective surface (or any reflective surface for that matter) than they do participating in life. How did humans become this way? Or were we always like this? When did we become so self obsorbed that we can no longer seem to notice the world around us. It's as if we fear that by pealing ourselves away from the images we have spent so long creating and believing...even if we were to take a moment away to do something that benifit one's self...we might loose the ability to enjoy life altogether. It's a sad realisation!  I will  now endeavour to spend as much time as I can looking out at the world rather than into reflective surfaces showing nothing but version of me that I want you to see...   

 

Scattered memories...

A full day of power outage is one way to force a mind to finally have some much needed downtime. I didn't have any large pieces of paper or canvas around, so I've taken to improvising with some leftover plywood from recent reno's and a box of crayons. It's still a work in progress but it feels good to be able to draw in large scale again :) This pieces are part of a series I've been drawing for a few years now called "Her black dog", it's about making peace with the presence of the 'Black Dog'. I tend to automatically draw this duo when life hits hard patches and I need to centre my self again. 

 

 *****

The following memory serves as a reminder that my tough teenage boys were actually nothing but kids in more grown up bodies. A few of them were poking aroubd my room one evening and stumbles across my meagre collection of jewellery and makeup. A few then pleased with me to have a play...yes here were a few seemingly tough teenage boys wanting to play dress ups. So far we have had "Goth night" and just plain old dress one of them up as a girl kind of night :p There is nothing more to this than plain old dress up fun. There is something beautiful about watching these boys get to be kids...watching the pure joy they emit (complete with giggles and all) while playing dress ups. 

 

 

*****

The Summer has come and gone...

Sorry for my lack of reflections in the last while. it's not that I have not had reflections, it's simply that I haven't had the time or energy to write them down. 

To be honest the last few weeks have felt like an ongoing test of not only my sanity but most importantly my loyalty to these boys. After a few weeks straight of the boys acting really spoilt and ungrateful- a side effect of them not being used to getting things so easily slip back into this frustrating a role of "entitlement" instead of their usual "gratitude". At times it became so hard to believe these were the same boys that called me 6 months ago and asked me to come and help them... They were replaced by a version that I no longer recognised. And I won't lie when I say that it took all my strength to not be discouraged by the cold hearted cruelty I was receiving...to instead remember that through it all lay the same caring, loving, kids that I have known all these years...I just had to find a way to awaken that side of them again. 

My loyalty to these kids was definitely tested when amidst this week of feeling hurt and disappointed with them I had a routine visit to the regional DHS, in a city a gruelling 4 hour away. This lovely department woman made the unfortunate mistake of telling me that she needed to remove the boys from our care for the next few months, until our registration was complete. She had no idea what she was unleashing within me... The kind soft spoken tourist that was seated in front of her was replaced by a tigress ready to fight for these boys. I even surprised my self with the loyalty within me to these boys, even despite the number of times I had questioned my decisions in the previous weeks, I was NOT ready to let anyone displace these boys any further. No body was going to undo all the effort gone into helping these boys heal and move forward over the last few months... And NO body was going to separate them from each other on my watch. Once again I found my self having to draw on all my professional expertise to talking the department into backing down. For me it took coming close to loosing these boys to realise that despite how they were behaving I care enough about them to not give up on them just because they are behaving badly. Family don't give up on each other- plus they probably need me more now than before. 

Despite the trials of the last few weeks All systems have been geared towards enrolling EVERY SINGLE boy into school for the first time since they were placed into the orphanage system. Most of the boys have so many gaps in their education and are far behind their age group...BUT they all have a burning desire to LEARN and make it through the education system. The staff have been incredible negotiating and finding the appropriate education placement for each of the boys. Once those were found our days were dictated by trying to fulfil the back to school shopping lists of 7 boys, finding tailors to make the mountain of uniforms we need, getting them into a new daily routine so that they would be prepared for the early starts to the day that come with the reopening of school. I never realised until now just how many things need to be prepared just to return to school and that "back to school rush" is a nightmare. The boys for the first time have had ALL the items on their school lists... I've never seen kids so exited about going to school. 

Five of our boys started school this week, the remaining two will start a training course in a few weeks time (they run on a different timetable to schools). Our day begins with me waking up at 4am to put the rice on to cook. I then have to wake the boys up by 5am so that they can cook, shower, do their chores, eat breakfast, pack lunch and be out of the door by 6:30 am (Classes start at 7:30am). I have come to learn that alarm clocks are nothing but a useless piece of decoration when a house full of teenage boys are concerned. You are probably familiar with that image of teenagers hitting snooze repeatedly to get just a few more minutes of sleep...well now  picture that image with 4 teenage boys in a room; most day I can't even locate the poor clock that despite the racket it is creating has been failing to wake the occupants for the past 15 minutes.  

Once everyone is out the door the day is mostly quiet with the staggered return of kids for lunch break or free time from college. Evenings are once again a din as we have only a few precious hours within which we have to get chores done, cook and consume dinner, do homework, prepare the items required for project the next day (this seems to be a ridiculous process of buying little bits and pieces EVERY SINGLE DAY), all before finally getting to bed. I sure did not know what I was signing up for when I agreed to fill in as night time houseparents for the time I was here. I now find myself sitting down with 5 boys individually to do their assigned homework every night.. for most this is the fist time they have bothered to do any of the homework that was set for them, let alone the first time they have had someone take the initiative to sit with them while they did said homework. I also have to find make sure that the two that aren't in classes yet aren't left out, so I set homework...yes you heard right, Niru sets homework! Today's homework was a 45 minute game of boggle for all the boys that were done with their school assignments for the night. Tomorrow it will be a few games of scrabble and some creative story writing for the two boys at home- again I haven't seem two kids more excited about having homework too :P 

Now that I'm certain that I would fight tooth and nail for these boys even despite their ability to sometimes get under my skin with their behaviour... Things in the house are improving again. We are having more and more good days again where things are like the old days again and the room is  filled with laughter and happiness. And everything else like the nagging, the tantrums and general selfishness...well I'll just put that down to teenage hormones and more importantly a sign that they are settling in enough to have "Normal" teenage problems as opposed to the conflict they have been used to. 

In other news, I have invested in a bike we call Bullet (mostly because that was the name on the sticker)...but unfortunately with 8 of us sharing this el-cheapo set of wheels, we seem to spend more time at the mechanics having little bullet fixed than not. The bright side we know know more of the locals whom we wouldn't otherwise have gotten to know. Hopefully my wheels will allow me some freedom to explore this city further now  that the kids are away at school during the day. We have also found a local gym so hopefully my own health and fitness picks up and I can transition easily back onto the hockey field in a few weeks. I have really missed playing hockey; getting to run my heart out and hit a ball with all my strength are the two best stress relief techniques in the world :) I can't believe that in just 4 weeks I will get to go home. In four weeks I would have achieved all that I came here to do...In 4 weeks the boys should finally be at a place where they will no longer need me here with them... And I can once again return to my "normal" world. How strange that all sounds. But I guess that is a bridge I can cross when I come to it. 

Half-full or Half-empty ?

I'm learning that it doesn't matter if the glass is half-full or half-empty. 

(1) Be grateful that you have a glass, and that's there is something in it. 

(2) Don't forget that glasses are refillable....

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Over the past week my heart has been broken many times as I've found my self in conversation with the 7 boys about gratitude and making the best of what they have. I have seen first hand the detrimental effects of a program intended to help gone wrong. Children raised in a way that they have completely lost touch with the reality of the lives they come from or just how life works. They have developed unrealistic expectations of their "supporters". Kids that over time replaced their gratitude for selfishness and greed. Many times I've had to step away and remind my self of their untainted versions; the reasons why I believe it's worth risking everything to fight for them... because soon will come a time when I might have to remind them of these reason. These boys are worth it, there s so much potential still waiting to be unlocked... We will work hard, we will once again bring out the caring, kind, loving, unselfish traits in these boys. 

People are always looking for someone to blame. Choosing to ensure that at-least 7 kids can be supported through a new set up has come at a cost of sacrifice my name as well as a number of close relationships. The relationships in particular have been hard to accept, as some of them are with kids that I have been close to over the years. It amazing the number of things I have supposedly been busy doing over the last year (especially the last 4 months)...and according to the legends I should be living like a king by now- someone clearly forgot to inform my bank of this. I always knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I don't think I was quite ready to have to give up ownership to my name that easily. 

A forced respect is as good as no respect. I have never told the boys the extent of the sacrifices made for them, or the lengths we have gone through to support them over the past 9 years. I've never wanted them to be nice to me because they feel they owe me anything. I wanted to earn their respect only if they chose to give it freely. I'm afraid that though well meaning the staff may have spoken with the boys in my absence today about their poor behaviour towards me. I'm scared that they might have placed more importance to the role I'm playing in their lives and tried to force their respect for me. I don't want to loose that organic, unforced trust and relationship I have always had with the boys. 

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Flash forward a few more days: 

I think last week was an exceptionally hard week with some of the weakest moments reflected. 

The Boys have made a complete turn around and have once again retuned to being more caring and kinder to each other and Me. It breaks my heart that it actually is someone's role now to undo the harm of the last 9-10 years in the lives of most of these boys. To undo the disservice and I teach all the bad behaviours/habits. It breaks my heart that people that believe they are doing good (and taking credit for it too) can have gone so wrong and not be able to see it. Life for me has become about waiting and counting the number of "good days" I have before an episode of "poor behaviour". This gap is getting bigger and the boys are learning new ways of doing things. They are learning that there are people that genuinely care about them with NO ulterior motive, nothing else to gain. People genuinely want to see these boys succeed at becoming the best versions of themselves. 

2 days ago was the 16th birthday of one of our boys. He really made a big show about not wanting a party or any acknowledgement of his birthday. Largely because he didn't want to be disappointed if he had a repeat of last year where there was no birthday celebration. It was decided that in lieu of a party the boys would go for a swim at a hotel a few doors up from us. while he was out swimming the other boys managed to bake a cake, decorate the house, cook a special dinner and pull off a whole surprise birthday party. The best part was that over dinner we had conversation and a happy time of reflection. Each of the boys shared a heart felt strength or appreciation for the birthday boy (who I return shared his thoughts of appreciation for each member in the room). For the first time in a long time I saw a table full of boys that were truly Happy and part of a FAMILY! They were in tears as they shared, for this was the first time most of these boys have had to actively tell Someone what they appreciated about them. This night then ended with a movie night (well the boys watched the movie, I just fell asleep to the soundtrack of Captain America). 

The boys and I have been watching the Tv Series, Redesign My Brain with Todd Sampson... The whole show is about brain plasticity and how an average person can retrain their brain to be come a better version of it self and to over come things that were once not possible for many reasons. Like the lesson in this show I know that these boys and their current personalities are NOT fixed, their brains are malleable... They are re-trainable, and though the task might seem impossible, it is achievable, with guidance and support they can be trained to become better versions of them selves. Don't get this wrong I don't mean Brain washing them, I mean that they can be show alternate ways to responding to the same life factors. 

 

"The secret of change is to focus all you energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."- Socrates

Sometimes when things get hard i find my self being dragged into the rabbit-hole of self doubt. I doubt my choices. My ability to be everything that 7 boys seem to need. I doubt my ability to make it through the day without loosing my facade of "having my shit together". I feel exhausted and overwhelmed and extremely uncertain of my ability to make the right choices for myself let alone anyone else. Exhaustion makes me sensitive and my emotions take a beating as I take things to heart more easily. If I was back at home living my insular life, where I felt responsible for no one but myself, I would probably just shut the world out on these days and wait till I feel strong enough to face life again. But over here I have found that I don't have the luxury to just shut the world out. I have 7 teenage boys that seem to look to me to play the role of someone in charge... the someone to make sure their world keeps turning around in its true course, while they take time out to do normal teenage things like pretend the world revolves around them. (I imagine this must be what being a parent feels like... and I'm grateful that this is a more temporary state of existence for me). 

At times like these I have learnt that in order to keep pressing forward I needed to be able to reflect on the past again and this time instead of fighting the shadows I need to remind my self of the tiny glimmers of hope that I might have missed the first time around. Im going to build my self a list of those memories on here so that the next time I can find them more easily...

*The look of joy and relief on their faces of the boys the day I arrived. 

*The way that they looked out for each other through out that tough last few months at their previous home. The gentle way they uncurled a sleeping boy from his guitar, when he had fallen asleep on the couch while soothing his distressed mind after witnessing a conflict. Or the way they all come back home by bedtime (as a way of reassuring each other of their safety) despite storming away down the street in anger earlier that evening. 

* The walk home from the shops when one of the boys that was most resistant of moving to a new location with new management, after having met the new administrator came p to me game he a hug and whispered to me..."I like her, she has a calming presence...I think she will be good for us". 

* The time the boys offered me a cup of coffee after a chaotic few days of moving and reassured me that I had made the right choice with the house...and they could envision a brighter future here. 

* The pride beaming off their otherwise exhausted faces as they showed James and I around their neatly arranged "new home", complete with a warm meal and table set. 

*Watching the boys learning to actively participate in the daily workings of their lives; especially taking back control of the food they eat. 

*The days when they correct each other's poor behaviour or lack of "good manners and right conduct" as its called here. 

*The moments when they genuinely realise the error in their ways and you can all but see their mind change gears and actively decide to take a different approach to the situation. 

*Every apology (apologies seem to be exceptionally hard in this country that seems to really promote pride at unhealthy levels). 

*The days that they voluntarily remind each other of their blessing and the positive attributes of this new opportunity. 

*The sense of self worth in the house. Not once have the boys been treated as second class citizens, orphans, disadvantaged youth, or what ever else label you may want to use. They have always been made to feel like they were special enough for an organisation to be tailored to their needs rather than them just being forced to fit into the requirements of an existing centre. 

*The day they started voluntarily calling the houseparent Mama. 

*Or the times they shake off unwanted romantic interests by telling them that they would need to seek the approval of their older sister (me) first before perusing any further relationship-which ofcourse the girls were too shy to do : P.  

*The feeling I get form watching routine a couple of boys have established of waiting for the arrival of the houseparent in the morning, so that they can spend some quality time with her as they cook breakfast. 

*The time one of them was so set on the idea of creating his home remedy for Curing my dry itchy scalp...he made coconut oil from scratch and even massaged it into my dreads for me. (Only I'm not sure wether to be a little concerned that all the while he was explaining to me that this was how you massage and marinate your meat for roasting...lol) 

*The effort that was put into making sure that they could suitably thank and appreciate the two new women in their lives on Mother's Day.

*The seriousness with which some of them take their roles as my personal trainers, working at getting me back into fitness and in particular running again. 

*Being told over breakfast that they would miss me when I'm gone. That despite the struggles and adjustment period of the past months they have really enjoyed having me here with them. 

*Being asked by the boys wether I would come back for Christmas. Them proudly advising me that if I worked hard for the next 6months I should have enough money to fly back by Christmas, so I had no real excuse ;)  

*The glimmer of concern shown by a few of the boys that seemed to pick up that I was struggling this week, as they made the extra effort to encourage me out of my shell. 

*Their concern when I get to the point of not being able to stomach rice 3 time a day and need to stop eating it all together for a few days. Their frantic efforts to cook me some vegetables so that I will feel "better" again and resume eating rice like a normal human being. 

*The times the boys just want to be in my my room, around me or literally hanging off me. (I have to admit at times the youth in me craves space but knowing that the boys are gaining comfort in the company is worth the lack of space.)

*The sense of "home" that is fast filling up this house that contains within it a family made up of seven different individuals that have learnt that you don't always need blood to define a family. 

...I'm learning that this list can go on forever if I let it... 

 

Are we ready for Day 100 ?!?!?!

It's been 28 days since my friend James and I arrived in Calbayog, with 9 emotional boys, to a house that was not quite ready of us. The previous tenants had not moved out and didn't look like they were planning to any time soon. After a day of dancing around each other, the other tenants packed while we cleaned, unpacked and made a home out of the house. Over the weeks we stretched our budget and slowly furnished the place. It has been a trying time of getting by and making do. We spent the first week holidaying and exploring our new neighbourhood. 

James left 17 days ago and life since has been a new learning experience for the boys and myself. We have been getting used to routines, chores and all things that make up truly living as part of a family. I won't lie, these have been trying times as I find my self trying to setup the groundwork for an organisation, help staff understand their new roles and try and be a surrogate  parent and role model to 7 teenagers. There have been times when they have been spiteful or just plain stubborn. There have been day when I have been certain I had lost my mind to have thought I could pull this off; was I really capable of looking after 7 teenage boys for another 2 months?  But for the most part they are kind, caring, loving boys, grateful for a new start and an opportunity to continue to build a future for them selves.  

It's been 22 days since we had the internet connected...This is significant because I have come to realise when it comes to adolescents, the  Internet will become the cause of many arguments and hours of tantrums.

It has been 11 days since the boys have finally settled. They have accepted the changes and are learning to live happily within their new boundaries :). We only have the occasional rebellious tantrum. Our lives now have a regular routine and we have finally started to feel settled enough to make time to exercise again. I went for my first jog yesterday followed by a work out at our start up home gym :p I even have 7 eager coaches. Exercising makes me happy and helps keep me sane :) 

I've found that 28 days is also long enough to master a new skill such as hand washing ones clothes. I will never again take for granted my washing machine. Right now my limited wardrobe feels much too large when it's sitting in a soapy tub asking to be scrubbed, rinsed, rung out and hung up to dry. 

In the past 99 days that I have been here, I have also developed a great appreciation for vegetables and foods that isn't meat (or seafood) and most certainly isn't RICE!! 

I've also come to appreciate other simple comforts such as having my own bed and bedroom. For 24 days I slept on foam  squares on the living room floor, waiting for the boys to get use to living in their new home where the staff quarters will be outside of the main house- (also just waiting for them to build up my confidence that they wouldn't abscond out the back door and get into mischief). 

 

Tomorrow is the 100th day since I arrived in the Philippines. Which means it's been 121 days since I decided for certain that I wanted to put my life on hold to try and salvage the situation for a group of boys that mean the world to me. These have been 100 of the hardest days I have ever lived through. I've learned to just live in the moment; to NOT depend on comforts (but to appreciate them when you do have them); The greatest learning of all for me has been learning not to worry about money; There is a kind of happiness in knowing that every cent you had was invested in the benefit of the kids. In letting go of my worry I have found that somehow some of those magic numbers have always turned up in my bank account when I need it most (in other words I've had an amazing network of people who have been looking out for me, while I do this work). Learning to truly let go of everything has allowed me to truly embrace life and living again. Despite all the hardships of the past 100 days, I wouldn't change it for the world. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat if it mean that these 7 boys can continue to have the opportunity at a good future.  

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

Observation from a foreign land...

Benches are for sitting: 

If you walk through the shanty town after dark. There is a bench which though always deserted during the day will be full of people at nights. Men of all ages, just sitting together, staring into the darkness.

The mangy dog:
 There is a dog that I imagine under all the scabs and sores is a beautiful creature. It exists by being invisible. It weaves through the humans completely unnoticed. There is something within me that wants to feed it, to wash it and give it a hug. But for now the cautions of disease ring loud in my ear canal. I have to resign to wondering about its existence...and occasionally tossing it a treat.

One armed monkeys:
The house has a controversial one armed monkey called Junior. It lives in a cage and is often forgotten. But from time to time he is remembered and showered with affection. He only has one arm because he was injured by a hunter when he was a baby and had to rescued at the cost of an arm. I personally think he needs to be released to the wild or at least the farm BUT he technically belongs to a houseparent, who doesn't seem to see what is wrong with containing a wild animal within a cage (They genuinely seem to believe they are helping it by keeping it in the cage). Though he is mostly temperamental and bears his teeth and snatches he can become subdued and just desire a scratch and a cuddle. There have been days when I have depended on Junior for my daily dose of affection and grooming. This monkey once helped me rescue a kitten from wild human children who couldn't see the wrong in hurting it.   

Stray kittens: 
I've been raised with an instruction to steer clear of stray cats as they carry diseases. But I can't turn away from a tiny kitten when it's being "played with" (or tortured it depends on your perspective) by human children, who can't seen to see that a kitten is but a baby too. Teenage children looked at me like I was possessed for trying to feed it and protect it. Adult humans chose to turn a blind eye rather than go back on their instructions about stray cats. The only soul that seemed willing to help me in my mission was a one armed monkey, who baby-sat and protected this baby until it's mother came for it.

The Chicken:
The house hen seems to have gone missing and I really miss her. She roosts up on the mango tree, in level with the first floor balcony. Ever the silent observer, she acts as the night guard for the place. Letting out the occasional sound when the boys need to be reminded that 10pm is far too late for noisy banter. Well she has been missing for the past 3 night and nobody else seems to have noticed she has been gone.

Fans in the summer are a lucrative business:
When you wake up at 3am to a strange sound, followed by a firework show, all inside your table fan. When you lay on your back soaking in the strange after-scent, while you contemplate how you are going to get another 5 hours of sleep in a room that is fast resembling a pressure cooker. When you make the assistant assemble a whole load of other fans so you can compare them to the one on display, but then decide to buy the one fan the origin fan after all.   

Starlight is a good source of Hope:
Being able to lie down on a basketball court and stare up at the stars is an essential to maintaining sanity in a foreign land. 

The cat ran away with the bowl ?!?...

Bobbing about in a floating metal capsule 

I can feel the stormy waters slapping the hull. 

White foam projecting over 10 metres to the sides of the vessel. 

The fine mist kisses my face as I lean over the side, 

With my limbs wrapped around the icy railing. 

I can smell that sticky scent of the salt in the air. 

My senses cartwheeling along the fine line between fear and awe. 

My alternate reality would have seen me as a daughter to the sea. 

My restless spirit seeks the calm embrace of the water to set it free. 

Somewhere inside me waters child I will always be.

When the time comes for my soul to rest, 

I wish to become one with the sea...

Through the last fortnight I've felt that my commitment to the boys And my purpose in the Philippines has really been tested. 

I've witnessing the effects of the toxic cocktail of greed and pride as it sets its roots deep in to the hearts of human, entangling seemingly good people into a place of hatered and bitterness. It's been a fortnight of realising that no matter how much you give of your self there will always be those that want to drain your soul for more. There are times when my heart is filled with the kindness and gentleness...only to be drained a few seconds later by hostility and greed. 

There have been times when I've been ready to throw in the towel and go home...but at those same time I'm reminded that there are the boys are still untouched by the toxic combo and genuinely want help. And they are worth fighting for. Tht ever important factor through these trying times has been to stay reminded of WHY you are on this journey, and WHO it is you are actually here to benefit. 

I have been greatful for my friends who have played a BIG part in pulling me thru the trying times. For having stayed true to their word and remained the voice inside my head (or more rather my ear), reminding me of the facts I had forgotten or become blinded to in times of hardship and despair. For reminding me of the sunlight at the end of the tunnel. For Reminding me of all the things I have achieved in 2 short months here...things that seemed almost impossible to achieve back when I had made the decision to try. For reminding me that though the ghosts of the pain and sacrifice may be dominating, the sparks of change being created are stronger, and bound to become bigger and brighter that the present darkness.  

 

...and the Cat, she never managed to run away with the bowl. The bowl was too big to fit through the window. A million pieces of glass lies scattered over the tiles... ;) 

...These are a few of my favourite things...

• The smell of fresh clean laundry:

Still warm from the afternoon sun, wearing that beautiful smell of Calamansi.    When you are living out of a backpack you learn to really appreciate laundry day.  Despite only owning 6 sets of clothes, "too many clothes" seem to have become a problem again :P 

•  That sweetened refreshing taste of an "Ice candy":

A Filipino frozen treat made of sweetened coconut juice.  The happiness it spreads as I share this treat with the little kids. 

• Rain after a tropical summers day:

Everything about the rain is welcoming after the scorching heat of the tropics.  The smell as it settles the blanket of dust and pollution. The peaceful rythemic belting on the rooftops. The temperature that encompasses you so you rest.

• Taste testing: 

I love seeing the boys beam with pride as they ask me to join them to tea so I can try their cooking.  And I LOVE food :) 

•  Vegetables!!! : 

I never thought I'd crave veggies so much, I actually can't wait for the day when I can safely say no to meat or rice again and  live off just vegetables. 

• Holidays aren't complete without your Friends: 

25 days till one of my close friend arrives. I haven't been more excited about a visit from a friend before. Somehow living with the responsibilities of an adult really makes you crave free time, but when you get this free time you realise what you really were longing for was not free time after all but time with your closest friends. 

•  Creamy natural yogurt: 

I have depended on this miracle food to get me though so many bowls of rice already :)    And the list goes on... But I'll just leave you here with a picture of my mega-sized "ice candy" :)
 

          

When life gives you lemons...

The running theme for today has been the topic of change.  I find most often children are the quickest to deal with change and make the most of seemingly horrible situations. Today the quiet Saturday afternoon was interrupted by a parade of dumpster trucks on a mission. The vacant lot at the front of the Cornerstone property has finaly been purchased and the new owners wish to fill it in with concrete and dirt before building on it. This will mean that the area being currently used as a basketball court and play area will also get taken over. Seemingly unbother the younger boys joined the neighbourhood children to explore the piles of "treasure" that was left behind. The older boys that were sitting with me on the balcony watching all this, simply turned to me and said... It's good timing this change. 

Life is full of change, our survival is dependent on how we view and react to this change.

 

The older boys ofcourse are far too civilised to be found playing in the dirt...they would much rather sit around at night and discuss "current affairs" over milo and snacks :) 

With Love from Cornerstone house <3 

 

FALSE ALARM !!!!

Sorry about the false alarm about moving blogs. This is my only active blog :)  The wonderful team at Blogpad pro were able to fix my glitches with my app to alow me to continue to use Blogspot with ease :)  Being dyslexic I prefer Blogspot as it allows me to write in colours and fonts that are easier for me to process.  Thanks for bearing with my indecisiveness :)  

Playtime is for building a childhood strong enough to carry us through our entire adulthood...

The task of helping an organisation in disarray pick up its broken pieces has proven to be challenging on every level imaginable. The details of which I'm not free to discuss in cyber space, but trust me this has been no walk in the park. Trading in the securities of the comfortable life that I'd spent the last decade creating, for the role of watching over 12 kids full-time (and another 9 part time) is not what I had in mind for my self at 27. Over the last 4 weeks I have come to realise the true weight of the decision I made for my self while at the same time I couldn't be more certain that I have made the right choice by these boys.

I love my Life with the boys, getting to bring back some sense of family and affection to a situation where it has been scarce, especially over the last year. I have known these kids for the last 8 years through Something for Change and have loved watching the grow into the current version of themselves. That said like all family life, it's certainly had me doubting my own sanity on many occasions. After all 16 of these kids are teenage boys (8 that live with me)...a species that I can't for the life of me figure out, with their mood swings, the bickering, the sulking, the teenage heartbreaks, who are constantly hungry and have the need to bring up girls/crushes into every conversation... whoever said teenage-boys were easier than teenage-girls to understand surely didn't know what they were talking about ;)

The four little boys are like little wind up toys, bursting with energy all the time. Just to prove it they love stirring the older boys for a reaction. Like all little boys they hate chores, bath times and bed. They would prefer to be out playing all day. Despite their rough wild-child exteriors they love to curl into you for cuddles. Keeping up with their imaginations is my daily dose of "childhood" :)

I admit there have been a few times where I've wanted to go back to the conforms of my old life, where the only human I'm responsible for is me. However more often I'm reminded that being here I'm allowing these kids the opportunity to build up their own childhood with memories to get them through the whole of their future adulthood. In turn these boys are helping me relive childhood memories with them to allow my weary adult self to replenish it's self :)

A win-win for everyone :)  

Dare to dream...

Not everyone has an amicable relationship with the process of falling asleep.
For some it is but a battle they must willingly enter if they dare to dream again.


The science of sleep...
Your heart lashes violently against your ribcage threatening to break out of your chest. 
Your pulse resembles a manic butterfly fluttering the length of your arm, scanning your veins for a weak point through which to escape.
your cells feel like a stack of little boxes bumping against each other in an energetic yet rhythmic manner; they almost mimics the low buzz of a live electric fence.  
your mind steps in by switching into hypersensitivity 
and everything else slows down...
occasionally the dreamworld might break into the conscious, projecting echoes of voices or a glimpse of a character.   
But everything continues to slow right down...
your consciousness turns blank 
and you are asleep.


The science of sleep bears the closest resembles my life these last few months.
My soul has journeyed a war-field of emotions and is finally encompassed in clarity,
A resounding urge to go be a voice for those who wouldn't otherwise be heard...

So here I'm, daring to dream...