Half-full or Half-empty ?

I'm learning that it doesn't matter if the glass is half-full or half-empty. 

(1) Be grateful that you have a glass, and that's there is something in it. 

(2) Don't forget that glasses are refillable....

*******************************************************************************************************

Over the past week my heart has been broken many times as I've found my self in conversation with the 7 boys about gratitude and making the best of what they have. I have seen first hand the detrimental effects of a program intended to help gone wrong. Children raised in a way that they have completely lost touch with the reality of the lives they come from or just how life works. They have developed unrealistic expectations of their "supporters". Kids that over time replaced their gratitude for selfishness and greed. Many times I've had to step away and remind my self of their untainted versions; the reasons why I believe it's worth risking everything to fight for them... because soon will come a time when I might have to remind them of these reason. These boys are worth it, there s so much potential still waiting to be unlocked... We will work hard, we will once again bring out the caring, kind, loving, unselfish traits in these boys. 

People are always looking for someone to blame. Choosing to ensure that at-least 7 kids can be supported through a new set up has come at a cost of sacrifice my name as well as a number of close relationships. The relationships in particular have been hard to accept, as some of them are with kids that I have been close to over the years. It amazing the number of things I have supposedly been busy doing over the last year (especially the last 4 months)...and according to the legends I should be living like a king by now- someone clearly forgot to inform my bank of this. I always knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I don't think I was quite ready to have to give up ownership to my name that easily. 

A forced respect is as good as no respect. I have never told the boys the extent of the sacrifices made for them, or the lengths we have gone through to support them over the past 9 years. I've never wanted them to be nice to me because they feel they owe me anything. I wanted to earn their respect only if they chose to give it freely. I'm afraid that though well meaning the staff may have spoken with the boys in my absence today about their poor behaviour towards me. I'm scared that they might have placed more importance to the role I'm playing in their lives and tried to force their respect for me. I don't want to loose that organic, unforced trust and relationship I have always had with the boys. 

*******************************************************************************************************

Flash forward a few more days: 

I think last week was an exceptionally hard week with some of the weakest moments reflected. 

The Boys have made a complete turn around and have once again retuned to being more caring and kinder to each other and Me. It breaks my heart that it actually is someone's role now to undo the harm of the last 9-10 years in the lives of most of these boys. To undo the disservice and I teach all the bad behaviours/habits. It breaks my heart that people that believe they are doing good (and taking credit for it too) can have gone so wrong and not be able to see it. Life for me has become about waiting and counting the number of "good days" I have before an episode of "poor behaviour". This gap is getting bigger and the boys are learning new ways of doing things. They are learning that there are people that genuinely care about them with NO ulterior motive, nothing else to gain. People genuinely want to see these boys succeed at becoming the best versions of themselves. 

2 days ago was the 16th birthday of one of our boys. He really made a big show about not wanting a party or any acknowledgement of his birthday. Largely because he didn't want to be disappointed if he had a repeat of last year where there was no birthday celebration. It was decided that in lieu of a party the boys would go for a swim at a hotel a few doors up from us. while he was out swimming the other boys managed to bake a cake, decorate the house, cook a special dinner and pull off a whole surprise birthday party. The best part was that over dinner we had conversation and a happy time of reflection. Each of the boys shared a heart felt strength or appreciation for the birthday boy (who I return shared his thoughts of appreciation for each member in the room). For the first time in a long time I saw a table full of boys that were truly Happy and part of a FAMILY! They were in tears as they shared, for this was the first time most of these boys have had to actively tell Someone what they appreciated about them. This night then ended with a movie night (well the boys watched the movie, I just fell asleep to the soundtrack of Captain America). 

The boys and I have been watching the Tv Series, Redesign My Brain with Todd Sampson... The whole show is about brain plasticity and how an average person can retrain their brain to be come a better version of it self and to over come things that were once not possible for many reasons. Like the lesson in this show I know that these boys and their current personalities are NOT fixed, their brains are malleable... They are re-trainable, and though the task might seem impossible, it is achievable, with guidance and support they can be trained to become better versions of them selves. Don't get this wrong I don't mean Brain washing them, I mean that they can be show alternate ways to responding to the same life factors. 

 

"The secret of change is to focus all you energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."- Socrates

Sometimes when things get hard i find my self being dragged into the rabbit-hole of self doubt. I doubt my choices. My ability to be everything that 7 boys seem to need. I doubt my ability to make it through the day without loosing my facade of "having my shit together". I feel exhausted and overwhelmed and extremely uncertain of my ability to make the right choices for myself let alone anyone else. Exhaustion makes me sensitive and my emotions take a beating as I take things to heart more easily. If I was back at home living my insular life, where I felt responsible for no one but myself, I would probably just shut the world out on these days and wait till I feel strong enough to face life again. But over here I have found that I don't have the luxury to just shut the world out. I have 7 teenage boys that seem to look to me to play the role of someone in charge... the someone to make sure their world keeps turning around in its true course, while they take time out to do normal teenage things like pretend the world revolves around them. (I imagine this must be what being a parent feels like... and I'm grateful that this is a more temporary state of existence for me). 

At times like these I have learnt that in order to keep pressing forward I needed to be able to reflect on the past again and this time instead of fighting the shadows I need to remind my self of the tiny glimmers of hope that I might have missed the first time around. Im going to build my self a list of those memories on here so that the next time I can find them more easily...

*The look of joy and relief on their faces of the boys the day I arrived. 

*The way that they looked out for each other through out that tough last few months at their previous home. The gentle way they uncurled a sleeping boy from his guitar, when he had fallen asleep on the couch while soothing his distressed mind after witnessing a conflict. Or the way they all come back home by bedtime (as a way of reassuring each other of their safety) despite storming away down the street in anger earlier that evening. 

* The walk home from the shops when one of the boys that was most resistant of moving to a new location with new management, after having met the new administrator came p to me game he a hug and whispered to me..."I like her, she has a calming presence...I think she will be good for us". 

* The time the boys offered me a cup of coffee after a chaotic few days of moving and reassured me that I had made the right choice with the house...and they could envision a brighter future here. 

* The pride beaming off their otherwise exhausted faces as they showed James and I around their neatly arranged "new home", complete with a warm meal and table set. 

*Watching the boys learning to actively participate in the daily workings of their lives; especially taking back control of the food they eat. 

*The days when they correct each other's poor behaviour or lack of "good manners and right conduct" as its called here. 

*The moments when they genuinely realise the error in their ways and you can all but see their mind change gears and actively decide to take a different approach to the situation. 

*Every apology (apologies seem to be exceptionally hard in this country that seems to really promote pride at unhealthy levels). 

*The days that they voluntarily remind each other of their blessing and the positive attributes of this new opportunity. 

*The sense of self worth in the house. Not once have the boys been treated as second class citizens, orphans, disadvantaged youth, or what ever else label you may want to use. They have always been made to feel like they were special enough for an organisation to be tailored to their needs rather than them just being forced to fit into the requirements of an existing centre. 

*The day they started voluntarily calling the houseparent Mama. 

*Or the times they shake off unwanted romantic interests by telling them that they would need to seek the approval of their older sister (me) first before perusing any further relationship-which ofcourse the girls were too shy to do : P.  

*The feeling I get form watching routine a couple of boys have established of waiting for the arrival of the houseparent in the morning, so that they can spend some quality time with her as they cook breakfast. 

*The time one of them was so set on the idea of creating his home remedy for Curing my dry itchy scalp...he made coconut oil from scratch and even massaged it into my dreads for me. (Only I'm not sure wether to be a little concerned that all the while he was explaining to me that this was how you massage and marinate your meat for roasting...lol) 

*The effort that was put into making sure that they could suitably thank and appreciate the two new women in their lives on Mother's Day.

*The seriousness with which some of them take their roles as my personal trainers, working at getting me back into fitness and in particular running again. 

*Being told over breakfast that they would miss me when I'm gone. That despite the struggles and adjustment period of the past months they have really enjoyed having me here with them. 

*Being asked by the boys wether I would come back for Christmas. Them proudly advising me that if I worked hard for the next 6months I should have enough money to fly back by Christmas, so I had no real excuse ;)  

*The glimmer of concern shown by a few of the boys that seemed to pick up that I was struggling this week, as they made the extra effort to encourage me out of my shell. 

*Their concern when I get to the point of not being able to stomach rice 3 time a day and need to stop eating it all together for a few days. Their frantic efforts to cook me some vegetables so that I will feel "better" again and resume eating rice like a normal human being. 

*The times the boys just want to be in my my room, around me or literally hanging off me. (I have to admit at times the youth in me craves space but knowing that the boys are gaining comfort in the company is worth the lack of space.)

*The sense of "home" that is fast filling up this house that contains within it a family made up of seven different individuals that have learnt that you don't always need blood to define a family. 

...I'm learning that this list can go on forever if I let it... 

 

Are we ready for Day 100 ?!?!?!

It's been 28 days since my friend James and I arrived in Calbayog, with 9 emotional boys, to a house that was not quite ready of us. The previous tenants had not moved out and didn't look like they were planning to any time soon. After a day of dancing around each other, the other tenants packed while we cleaned, unpacked and made a home out of the house. Over the weeks we stretched our budget and slowly furnished the place. It has been a trying time of getting by and making do. We spent the first week holidaying and exploring our new neighbourhood. 

James left 17 days ago and life since has been a new learning experience for the boys and myself. We have been getting used to routines, chores and all things that make up truly living as part of a family. I won't lie, these have been trying times as I find my self trying to setup the groundwork for an organisation, help staff understand their new roles and try and be a surrogate  parent and role model to 7 teenagers. There have been times when they have been spiteful or just plain stubborn. There have been day when I have been certain I had lost my mind to have thought I could pull this off; was I really capable of looking after 7 teenage boys for another 2 months?  But for the most part they are kind, caring, loving boys, grateful for a new start and an opportunity to continue to build a future for them selves.  

It's been 22 days since we had the internet connected...This is significant because I have come to realise when it comes to adolescents, the  Internet will become the cause of many arguments and hours of tantrums.

It has been 11 days since the boys have finally settled. They have accepted the changes and are learning to live happily within their new boundaries :). We only have the occasional rebellious tantrum. Our lives now have a regular routine and we have finally started to feel settled enough to make time to exercise again. I went for my first jog yesterday followed by a work out at our start up home gym :p I even have 7 eager coaches. Exercising makes me happy and helps keep me sane :) 

I've found that 28 days is also long enough to master a new skill such as hand washing ones clothes. I will never again take for granted my washing machine. Right now my limited wardrobe feels much too large when it's sitting in a soapy tub asking to be scrubbed, rinsed, rung out and hung up to dry. 

In the past 99 days that I have been here, I have also developed a great appreciation for vegetables and foods that isn't meat (or seafood) and most certainly isn't RICE!! 

I've also come to appreciate other simple comforts such as having my own bed and bedroom. For 24 days I slept on foam  squares on the living room floor, waiting for the boys to get use to living in their new home where the staff quarters will be outside of the main house- (also just waiting for them to build up my confidence that they wouldn't abscond out the back door and get into mischief). 

 

Tomorrow is the 100th day since I arrived in the Philippines. Which means it's been 121 days since I decided for certain that I wanted to put my life on hold to try and salvage the situation for a group of boys that mean the world to me. These have been 100 of the hardest days I have ever lived through. I've learned to just live in the moment; to NOT depend on comforts (but to appreciate them when you do have them); The greatest learning of all for me has been learning not to worry about money; There is a kind of happiness in knowing that every cent you had was invested in the benefit of the kids. In letting go of my worry I have found that somehow some of those magic numbers have always turned up in my bank account when I need it most (in other words I've had an amazing network of people who have been looking out for me, while I do this work). Learning to truly let go of everything has allowed me to truly embrace life and living again. Despite all the hardships of the past 100 days, I wouldn't change it for the world. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat if it mean that these 7 boys can continue to have the opportunity at a good future.  

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3