Sometimes when things get hard i find my self being dragged into the rabbit-hole of self doubt. I doubt my choices. My ability to be everything that 7 boys seem to need. I doubt my ability to make it through the day without loosing my facade of "having my shit together". I feel exhausted and overwhelmed and extremely uncertain of my ability to make the right choices for myself let alone anyone else. Exhaustion makes me sensitive and my emotions take a beating as I take things to heart more easily. If I was back at home living my insular life, where I felt responsible for no one but myself, I would probably just shut the world out on these days and wait till I feel strong enough to face life again. But over here I have found that I don't have the luxury to just shut the world out. I have 7 teenage boys that seem to look to me to play the role of someone in charge... the someone to make sure their world keeps turning around in its true course, while they take time out to do normal teenage things like pretend the world revolves around them. (I imagine this must be what being a parent feels like... and I'm grateful that this is a more temporary state of existence for me).
At times like these I have learnt that in order to keep pressing forward I needed to be able to reflect on the past again and this time instead of fighting the shadows I need to remind my self of the tiny glimmers of hope that I might have missed the first time around. Im going to build my self a list of those memories on here so that the next time I can find them more easily...
*The look of joy and relief on their faces of the boys the day I arrived.
*The way that they looked out for each other through out that tough last few months at their previous home. The gentle way they uncurled a sleeping boy from his guitar, when he had fallen asleep on the couch while soothing his distressed mind after witnessing a conflict. Or the way they all come back home by bedtime (as a way of reassuring each other of their safety) despite storming away down the street in anger earlier that evening.
* The walk home from the shops when one of the boys that was most resistant of moving to a new location with new management, after having met the new administrator came p to me game he a hug and whispered to me..."I like her, she has a calming presence...I think she will be good for us".
* The time the boys offered me a cup of coffee after a chaotic few days of moving and reassured me that I had made the right choice with the house...and they could envision a brighter future here.
* The pride beaming off their otherwise exhausted faces as they showed James and I around their neatly arranged "new home", complete with a warm meal and table set.
*Watching the boys learning to actively participate in the daily workings of their lives; especially taking back control of the food they eat.
*The days when they correct each other's poor behaviour or lack of "good manners and right conduct" as its called here.
*The moments when they genuinely realise the error in their ways and you can all but see their mind change gears and actively decide to take a different approach to the situation.
*Every apology (apologies seem to be exceptionally hard in this country that seems to really promote pride at unhealthy levels).
*The days that they voluntarily remind each other of their blessing and the positive attributes of this new opportunity.
*The sense of self worth in the house. Not once have the boys been treated as second class citizens, orphans, disadvantaged youth, or what ever else label you may want to use. They have always been made to feel like they were special enough for an organisation to be tailored to their needs rather than them just being forced to fit into the requirements of an existing centre.
*The day they started voluntarily calling the houseparent Mama.
*Or the times they shake off unwanted romantic interests by telling them that they would need to seek the approval of their older sister (me) first before perusing any further relationship-which ofcourse the girls were too shy to do : P.
*The feeling I get form watching routine a couple of boys have established of waiting for the arrival of the houseparent in the morning, so that they can spend some quality time with her as they cook breakfast.
*The time one of them was so set on the idea of creating his home remedy for Curing my dry itchy scalp...he made coconut oil from scratch and even massaged it into my dreads for me. (Only I'm not sure wether to be a little concerned that all the while he was explaining to me that this was how you massage and marinate your meat for roasting...lol)
*The effort that was put into making sure that they could suitably thank and appreciate the two new women in their lives on Mother's Day.
*The seriousness with which some of them take their roles as my personal trainers, working at getting me back into fitness and in particular running again.
*Being told over breakfast that they would miss me when I'm gone. That despite the struggles and adjustment period of the past months they have really enjoyed having me here with them.
*Being asked by the boys wether I would come back for Christmas. Them proudly advising me that if I worked hard for the next 6months I should have enough money to fly back by Christmas, so I had no real excuse ;)
*The glimmer of concern shown by a few of the boys that seemed to pick up that I was struggling this week, as they made the extra effort to encourage me out of my shell.
*Their concern when I get to the point of not being able to stomach rice 3 time a day and need to stop eating it all together for a few days. Their frantic efforts to cook me some vegetables so that I will feel "better" again and resume eating rice like a normal human being.
*The times the boys just want to be in my my room, around me or literally hanging off me. (I have to admit at times the youth in me craves space but knowing that the boys are gaining comfort in the company is worth the lack of space.)
*The sense of "home" that is fast filling up this house that contains within it a family made up of seven different individuals that have learnt that you don't always need blood to define a family.
...I'm learning that this list can go on forever if I let it...
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